Thursday, April 30, 2009

Things Got Ugly!



This week we featured one of Scornette's favorite shows on the cover of the TGIF. Unfortunalty Ggargamel edited the original submission. The original cut line read:

With Bradford dead and his ghost long banished from Betty’s subconscious; Willi in loving possession of his posthumously conceived lovechild (carried by a surrogate, of course); Alexis, the wunderkind-turned-transgender-outcast-villain of the Meade empire on long-term vaca in Paris; Ignacio alive and kicking; and Hilda permanently separated from her smoking hot married boyfriend, one might wonder how ABC will wrap season 3 of this prime time soap opera with a bang. Perhaps with some drama for Betty? Will she go head to head with her new rich boyfriend’s disapproving mother? Will she finally be pulled to the morally questionable but fun, fun, fun side with Mark and Amanda? Well, one can hope. And watch. Ugly Betty airs Thursdays at 8 p.m. on ABC. (FPB channels 8 & 11 and in HD on channel 602)

Reports came back that Ggargamel wanted the opening sentence cut because it "rambled." Despite McSAS's best efforts the line was cut. Follwing promises of "evisceration in prose" and the explanition from Scornette that "The rambling was intentional. It was meant to reflect the dramatic tediousness that Ugly Betty manipulates to stay true to it's telenovella roots. THAT'S WHY IT WAS FUNNY!" we unwilling recognize that when writing for someone else...they do get to edit your work.

Even if they are wrong!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Geriatic Barf-O-Rama


This week’s TGIF cover was a challenge; Scornette was not particularly pleased that “Two and a half Men” was being declared a “Future Classic” and was only consoled when told that “Arrested Development” had already won the award in 2004. Although “geriatric barf-o-rama” didn’t make the cut, we were both pleased with the final product. The Snark triumphed and our headline withstood the doubts of McSmartAss Smurf (who once again did a fabulous job with the graphics and layout).

Another happy ending in TGIF land : )

Monday, April 20, 2009

Let's reconsider that grammar Nazi comment...

Yes, this is an actual email exchange. Only the names have been changed to protect the geeky...I mean guilty.

From: McSmartAss Smurf
Sent: Monday, April 20, 2009 1:40 PM
To: Mockette
Cc: Scornette
Subject:

While we're Mocking and Scorning, this should say "This week (apostrophe!)s TGIF cover..." and "... a show neither of us watch", not "watches". -- McSAS

“This weeks TGIF cover - it was interesting researching and writing about a show neither of us watches, but I think we captured the essence of the show. If you actually watch the show - let us know how we did.”

From: Mockette
Sent: Monday, April 20, 2009 1:40 PM
To: McSmartAss Smurf
Cc: Scornette
Subject: Re:

Smartass...ok...I'll fix it : /

...and I went back and forth on the watch - vs - watches.

From: Scornette
Sent: Monday, April 20, 2009 2:01 PM
To: McSmartAss Smurf
Cc: Mockette
Subject: Re: RE:


My vote: "neither watches," Neither being a pronoun meaning "not one
OR the other" - the "us" is just the object of the preposition, not
the subject of the clause.

As for the apostrophe - oops. Well, we're entitled to a mistake
occasionally - it keeps the haters pacified MCSAS!

From: McSmartAss Smurf
Sent: Monday, April 20, 2009 2:21 PM
To: Scornette
Cc: Mockette
Subject: Re: RE: RE:


Well, that inspired an absolute FLURRY of activity, with n00bs and curmudgeons alike vehemently arguing their respective positions.

Since the sentence changes tense in the middle (from past tense to present), that also compounds the problem. We finally agreed that the sentence should be written in such a way as to avoid the problem, thusly: "...A show neither of us have (has?) ever watched..." – MCSAS

From: Scornette
Sent: Monday, April 20, 2009 2:31 PM
To: McSmartAss Smurf; Mockette
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE:

The singular / plural issue would be the same in the rewritten sentence. I'm still going with the singular - has.

Even so, I'm not entirely convinced we can say that the sentence "changes" tense in the middle; rather, the clause "neither of us watches" is an adjectival clause describing show (with the relative pronoun "that" omitted, but understood) and is thereby not constrained by the tense of the independent clause. The fact is, we researched (in the past) a show that neither of us (continuously) watches.

But perhaps I'm grasping at straws here. Ask a curmudgeon; I'm sick of the evolution of language for the moment. Friggin "texters!"

From: McSmartAss Smurf
Sent: Monday, April 20, 2009 2:31 PM
To: Mockette; Scornette
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:


I will defer to your learnin' on the subject, but can't resist arguing... How do you determine the singularity or pluralness of has and have? I have and we have, but she has? I'll have to agree with our editor "The Brick" who, while not even in the building, would demand we write around the problem altogether, perhaps using "... a show we have never watched". -- McSAS (insert Chief Inspector Dreyfus twitch here)

From: Scornette
Sent: Monday, April 20, 2009 3:01 PM
To: McSmartAss Smurf; Mockette
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:


Third person:

Singular (he/she/it) = has

Plural (they) = have

Right? Am I totally making stuff up now? I wouldn't put it past me.

Friday, April 17, 2009

In Plain Sight



This week's TGIF cover - it was interesting researching and writing about a show neither of us watches, but I think we captured the essence of the show. If you actually watch "In Plain Sight" - let us know how we did.

Monday, April 13, 2009

No Acceptions!


We’ve all been there. Driving down the road and there is a sign propped up against a sofa in a yard “For sell” or the menu at the restaurant that says “Faxed orders now excepted.” Like me, I’m sure many of you find the urge to laugh is often in direct competition with the urge to cry. Easy access to home computers and printers has made every small business owner, plumber, dog breeder, and soccer mom believe they can do any print job all by themselves, and no - they don’t need no stinking proof reader!


No, we are not grammar Nazis. Yes, anyone can make a mistake. That is why it is important to let someone else look at any item, sign, or story before it goes “to press.” Please share your experiences with grammatical eccentricities in the comments.

p.s. - please report any typos in this story or any future stories to mockette@biteme.com.

p.s.s - sigh...really if you see a typo please let us know. Maybe we can fix it before anyone else sees it...thanks.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Bedtime Stories

Nearly a year ago now, I read Have I Ever Told You How Lucky You Are? by Dr. Seuss to my daughter for the first time. It’s one of the few Dr. Seuss books that we didn’t have when she was smaller (and slightly more docile), and ever since she's been able to grab, she usually won’t let me get through more than two pages or so of any book before she takes over and makes up her own story to go along with the pictures. So, that night she was feeling lazy I guess, and I got to read the whole thing and really experience the message being offered up there. And I’m not really sure what to do with it. The message, I mean.

It starts off with this kid standing near a sort of yogi / meditation guru type – long white hair, robe, whatnot – who, I guess due to his super chill mental Zen, is sitting all cross legged and nonchalant atop a cactus. So the kid’s looking kind of wary as the wise old man starts narrating a story about how he should never complain. Instead, if he gets the urge to complain, he should think about all the other poor suckers in the world who have it worse than he does. The old dude describes all of these scenes to the kid about people who seem, at least to my adult mind and to the stated point of the story, to be pretty screwed in the ridiculous situations they’re in. It’s kind of funny, and completely suits the way people determine the acceptability of their situations based on comparisons with other people (at least I think it’s a pretty general method of self-assessment). If there are enough people worse off than you, you’re doing alright. Right? Just be thankful for what you’re not going through. But sharing this sentiment with my four year old didn’t sit well. Especially because I felt like I was imposing it. At first I thought she just didn’t get it. I mean, she’s a pretty bright kid, but I realized that from the first page she was totally missing the point of this story.

And then I realized that maybe it wasn’t that she didn’t get it, it was just that she didn’t accept it. She’d look at the pictures of the people in these humorous but hopeless situations, and instead of saying, “Wow! Sucks to be that guy. Go me!” she’d start brainstorming with her awesome kid mind about different ways we might be able to help the guy solve his problem. Even the guy on the cactus. On the first page. When she saw him she kind of crinkled up her nose and suggested, “He could just sit on the ground, you know. I bet that cactus has pointy things on top.” And, I mean, right? WTF? Get off the effing cactus! And while you’re at it, stop being satisfied that you’re life doesn’t suck as bad as someone else’s.

Is this how we start training our kids in the complaisance that may be the main obstacle to social progress? I mean, I know you could read this book in a different way, and that children start at a ridiculously early age wanting everything and being completely selfish and not even aware that other people have bigger problems than they do, but must we gratify ourselves with the extremes? I mean, I realize that perhaps, in the grand scheme of things, a cactus needle in your ass is not the worst thing ever, but does that mean you just leave it there? Sit down on a cactus without a care in the world? Might the needles in your ass be distracting you from the ways you could be helping other people with their bigger problems? Could you not, with a modicum of forethought, avoid cacti entirely while working toward the greater good? Or, if not, couldn’t you just pull the needle out of your ass and then go start a recycling campaign or a food drive or something?

Thursday, April 9, 2009


BANNED IN THE USA

Ok...so mostly just Frankfort. This is our banned TGIF cover. The term "Omnisexual" combined with a show focused on sexuality in general and homosexuality in particular was just a bit to edgy for the powers-that-be.

This week's TGIF cover. Apparently I was the only one who thought "Building a Master's Piece" could be a questionable headline.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

A different kind of drive

My husband loves an afternoon drive down winding country roads. From his first car, a 1968 VW Campmobile to his current ride, a 2008 Scion xB, he has racked up hundreds of thousands of miles zipping along the roads less traveled. As ‘zipping’ down country roads tends to make me queasy, this is an activity he usually does alone or with me knocked out on Dramamine in the passenger seat. When we bought the Scion, I pointed out that for the first time he had the sensible, roomy, family car, and that it was MY turn to have the fun car.

Although this idea made Steve a bit nervous, he tried to play along as I evaluated my choices. I have always wanted a convertible and somehow, over the course of about five months, my dream of a little red convertible turned into a Big Yellow Jeep. I drove my first Jeep Wrangler on a whim at the CCU Car Sale in April. It was definitely a fun ride and as I couldn’t afford for my “fun car” to be a “pretty weather only” car, the Wrangler seemed a viable option as a sturdy “year round” convertible. My daughter, Charli, immediately said, “You should buy Lyndsie’s Jeep.” Lyndsie was a co-worker of Charli’s who had just had her first baby. Lyndsie and her husband Derek were looking for more of a family car and were, with great sadness, thinking about selling their Wrangler. Unfortunately, I wasn’t ready to buy. I kept reassuring Steve that “next summer I’ll buy something, I’m just looking now.” Over the next few months I drove several different Wranglers, and loved them all. Then one night in August Lyndsie called, they were ready to sell their Jeep and Charli had told her I might be interested. That was on Tuesday, by Thursday evening Lyndsie’s father had bought my car and I had bought Lindsey’s Jeep. I’m still not exactly sure how it happened!

Now that we had a Jeep, the “road less traveled” became the gravel roads and back roads of Franklin, Henry, Owen and Anderson counties. We try very hard to respect private property while exploring obscure roads listed in our Kentucky Gazetteer map. We discovered Six-Mile Creek Road and LeCompte’s Bottom and finally accepted the fact that despite what our map says, Sawdridge Creek Road does not connect US 127 with 607. We met up with some friendly people on ATVs who showed us where Payton Ridge Road goes, and then surprised them with the ability of the Wrangler to follow their ATVs. My brother Josh (a certified Jeep Freak) introduced us to his friend Ed who is creating a 4-wheelin’ mecca for his friends out in Bald Knob. We learned valuable lessons, like it is best to put the top up before racing through mud bogs, that a Wrangler really will fit just about anywhere, that a barking dog chasing a car can be much scarier when you’ve left the doors at home, that you should always wave at a passing Jeep and, seemingly most important, that it is NOT a car – it is a JEEP! (I have had two different people vehemently correct me when I mistakenly referred to my Jeep as “my car.”) The best news, I found that because you don’t necessarily “zip” in a Jeep, I wasn’t getting queasy and, despite his smart remarks about his Civilized Car versus my Barbarian Jeep, Steve was enjoying this adventure too.

When the opportunity came to take a fall break and get away for a few days, we looked at a number of options: Chicago would be fun, maybe Nashville. Then we heard about the Turkey Bay Off-Highway Vehicle Area at the Land Between the Lakes Recreational Area in western Kentucky. Not completely sure of what we were getting into, we made our reservations at Lake Barkley State Resort Park and headed to the Land Between the Lakes – in our Jeep – which gets about 16 mpg! We spent an entire day wheelin’ around Turkey Bay. We took trails that we probably shouldn’t have taken (especially not alone), we drove down to the shoreline of the lake, we climbed what appeared to be un-climbable hills and we came down hills that were so steep we just knew the front bumper would dig in at the bottom. We took turns driving and both conquered some intense obstacles. We laughed, cringed, held on for dear life, and had a blast. It really is like a low-speed roller coaster. When we weren’t at Turkey Bay we were driving around the back roads in the Land Between the Lakes National Recreation Area. We picked up an official Motor Vehicle Use Map at the welcome station and drove and drove and drove, yet our average speed most days was less than 20 miles per hour.

As we were getting ready to leave Turkey Bay for our lodge room on Friday evening, we met up with a couple of guys in Wranglers. They invited us to join them Saturday morning at 9 a.m. for a Jeep gathering and trail ride. Although we planned to leave for home Saturday morning, we decided to meet up with them for a couple of hours first. A couple of hours…right…we didn’t leave until close to 5 p.m. What we had done on our own was even more fun when surrounded by a bunch of people just as crazy as we were. Within minutes of meeting them, Keagan, one of our new Jeep buddies, had his tool kit out and was disconnecting the sway bar on our Jeep. Don, Rick, and Brian suggested a couple thousand dollars worth of modifications we REALLY NEEDED and we got a lecture on the importance of zip ties and duct tape before the Wranglers even lined up to hit the trail. When I worried that we were slowing them down, Don and Brian’s wives, Vicki and Wendy, assured me that we had made the guys’ day by joining them. For them, teaching the ropes to a couple of newbies was half the fun.

With Rick in the lead and Don as “tail gunner” the line of 8 Jeeps wheeled for hours. They put us newbies in the middle of the pack so it would be easier to pull us out if we got into trouble, which I am proud to say we didn’t. Ever-so-often the group would stop and gather and talk, usually about past mishaps and glories (which were spoken of with the same degree of pride and fondness) and who had made what modification and what they planned to add to their Jeep next. When we came to an obstacle or hill that was too much for our “stock” Jeep, we would be offered a seat in someone else’s Jeep so we didn’t miss the experience. Everyone had packed a lunch because you couldn’t possibly stop long enough to leave and eat somewhere. Every time we passed a Jeep on the trail Don would invite them to join us and tell them about Itsajeep.org, an online community of Jeep enthusiasts.

As we drove the 200 miles home, very dusty and tired, we agreed that we’d had a great time and couldn’t wait to go again. We had made it four days with no damage to the Jeep other than a bolt that snapped when Keagan was disconnecting the sway bar. (No worries -- a zip tie will hold that until we get it fixed!) Some of the guys we met down there are from Louisville and we plan to meet up with them and go to “Hillz and Hollerz,” an off-road park in Henry County in the future.

When we first bought the Jeep, a friend laughed and made a remark about our mid-life crisis…trust me - this is no crisis…now if it only it would rain so we could find some mud.